Friday, April 19, 2013

MARRIAGE IS NOT A 50-50 PROPOSITION


Love stays
Love is for forever

Vows, seriously taken, can keep a marriage together, but vows will not build a happy home. A home  which is both secure and happy must be built on real understanding of what makes a marriage successful.

The slogan "marriage is a 50-50 proposition" is heard frequently. It sounds logical. However, the logic behind it can destroy many marriages. The basis of a 50-50 marriage is, "If you will do your part, I will do mine." It leads to tragedy because there are times in every marriage when someone fails. In a 50-50 marriage, this causes the other partner to step back and refuse to do his 50%. Then the battle rages.

The 50-50 marriage is not God's way. The husband and wife who start marriage on a 50-50 basis will always be checking to see if the partner is fulfilling his or her 50%. When one partner falls short, bitterness results in the other. The partner who feels cheated will withhold some of his 50% in an attempt to even the score. Things get worse. Even 90%-10% marriages will not work. The partner who is willing to give 90% will have the tendency to check to see if the partner is really fulfilling his or her 100%.
God's way in marriage is 100%-100%. Each partner is expected to give his or her 100% even if the other partner fails completely. If only one partner in the marriage faithfully gives his 100%, the home can not be destroyed. God uses right actions and attitudes of the faithful one to straighten out and restore the failing partner.
God's instructions for the 100%-100% marriage are found in several places in the Bible. Ephesians 5:18-33 is the primary passage. In these verses, God gives each partner certain instructions. Both the husband and wife have different responsibilities assigned to them. In Ephesians 5:22-24, the wife is told:

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

God does not qualify this instruction to the wife by saying, "Submit...if your husband does right and fulfills his responsibility." In fact, in a related passage in I Peter 3:1, the Lord says that a wife should fulfill her responsibilities without nagging, complaining, lecturing, or teaching her husband. She will win him to the Lord's way by her behavior. This wonderful promise says:

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation[behavior] of the wives.

When a man fails to be what he should be in marriage, God deals with him. Too often, however, the man does not hear the Lord or feel the Lord's pressure because he is already hearing his wife and feeling the pressure she is applying. He can and will resist his wife's words, etc. However, if she really lives I Peter 3:1 and is quiet and sweet, submitting in all things, the man will feel God's hand upon him. He may resist his wife, but he cannot resist God for long.

The Bible teaches that the man is the head of the home. This does not mean that the wife is inferior. The Lord is careful to show us this in I Corinthians 11:3. He says:

 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.



Being under authority is not a position of inferiority. This verse reminds us that "the head of Christ is God." The Lord Jesus is God and is equal with the Father in all ways. Yet when He came to earth and became a man to die for our sins, He submitted himself to His heavenly Father in all things. In submitting, He did not become inferior to His Father in all things. However, He did all things because His Father wanted it-and not just because He also wanted to. God reminds us of this important truth in the very passage where He tells us that "man is the head of the woman." God has given this example to show that submission is not a mark of inferiority. Every institution must have a head. Otherwise anarchy results.
To avoid anarchy or constant struggle over who is in charge, God makes man the head of the family.
However, the man is not to be a dictator. In the verse which follow the instructions to wives to submit, God severely limits the man's right to do anything he pleases God after giving the man the authority in the family, takes away his right to use it irresponsibly by telling him:

Eph 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it.
Because of His love, the Lord Jesus gave everything, including His life, for His bride, the church. This is God's pattern for men in marriage, God does not tell the woman to submit if her husband loves her. God does not tell the man to love her wife, if she submits to him. In fact, by giving man his instructions using Christ's example, the husband is told to love his wife as the Lord loved the church and gave Himself for it. The Bible shows how the Lord loved. It says:

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us...  when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life. (Rom 5:8,10).


Christ gave Himself for us (His bride) while we were yet sinners. We were actually enemies of God. Even so, He died for us. Seeing His love transforms our hearts and brings us to love Him. So, too, a husband's patient, long suffering love will finally win the wife's heart and change her behavior. The Lord Jesus does not cleanse and perfect us by beating on us. He loves us and teaches us His Word! To see the full concept read Ephesians 5:25 with the two verses which follow. Ask God to give understanding of how the process works in marriage. The Bible says:

  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.( Eph. 5:25-27)
There are no 50-50 arrangements in God's plan for a happy, successful marriage. Each partner is called upon to fulfill his or her own 100%. Each is responsible for his or her own 100% even if the other does nothing. This is not calling one partner or the other to life-long martyrdom. God will use the sweet, gentle, faithful submission of a wife to convict a wayward husband of his sin. Or, he can use the patient, undying Christ-like love and self-sacrifice  of the husband to melt the hardened, rebellious heart of a straying wife. the techniques work not just to win the partner who is failing to fulfill his or her obligations. They will also effectively work to correct every little shortcoming a partner has.


It is impossible, humanly speaking, to give 100% without reacting to the failings of a partner. That is why the entire passage is introduced with the admonition:

Eph 5:18  And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit;

As we are constantly being filled with God and His power and love we can be the husbands and wives He calls us to be.

When one partner (or the other) realizes that he has not been giving his own 100%, he should confess his failings to the Lord in detail. He should also ask his partner for forgiveness for failing to be the kind of mate God would have him to be. Do not go into detail on what you or your partner should be. Just seek forgiveness and then start submitting sweetly or lovingly the way that you should.
excerpt from John Stormer"Growing up God's way"